This present moment, in other words, is made of a whole lot of pasts.”
“And you can’t dismiss this “over-lapping pasts making the present” thing as some kind of astronomy weirdness. Nope, it’s the fabric of everything you experience. When you look at a mountain peak 30 kilometers away you see it not as it exists now but as it existed a 1/10,000 of a second ago. The light fixture three meters above your head is seen not as it exists now but as it was a hundred millionth of a second ago. Gazing into your child’s eyes you see her not for who they are now but for who they were a 10-billionth of a second in the past.” ~ Adam Frank
I read this morning that I should not share my words, my writings because it might keep me from writing if I think that others might judge me. So true. I do not write to be judged. Who do I write for then? Is it for my audience or for myself? I have to be honest, right now it is because I have a desire, a compelling urge, I feel inspired to write. So I guess that means I am writing for myself. Why do I live? Do I live for you? Do I live for other? I suppose in part I do because without you, without my mom and kids and companions, even those little four legged friends, my life would not be worth living. On the other hand I get up every morning because I want to live. I love this crazy beautiful world God created. Therefore if I write for myself and I live for myself why do I worry about the judgement of others? Why do I care whether they love my creative expression or not? I know I am not alone in this. But I still find my self awareness creeping in, watching over my shoulder, my ego trying to butt into this conversation.
I have read that the only way to live in the present is when we realize how much time we spend thinking about yesterday and tomorrow and pull ourselves back into the present moment. When we feel fear, we are probably spending too much time worrying about tomorrow and when we are angry we are probably thinking about something in the past. A boyfriend once told me that I couldn’t move forward in my life as long as I was spending time looking at the past. Perhaps he was right. However at the time I felt so confused about how we, how I, had gotten to that painful moment of choosing to go our separate ways. Although I was the one who initiated the conversation about whether or not this relationship was meeting both of our needs, I did not expect the abrasive “I have nothing more to give” response from him. Like a love struck school girl I thought we would be together for a long time. I thought we had more going for us than those unfulfilled 8 months in 2010. And I couldn’t help but reminisce about how we met, what brought us together, how we connected on so many things intellectually, emotionally, physically and all the love stories that I had told my friends about the miracle it was meeting him in the Holy Land etc.
I feel like I have bungled through this classroom called life. I laugh at myself now thinking about how I have bungled most things. From relationships to careers. I have not failed per say, but I am a good bungler. And yes I am hardest on myself as most of us typically are. Perhaps that is why I reflect on the past. If I just keep forging ahead to survive, if I just continue to bungle ahead grasping for the next hold in the rock on my climb to….. I have no idea where, again and again, will I have different results?
As David Burns said “How did I get here?” Burning down the house.